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fabfourfan65's journal
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Allison's Journal  For some reason today I've been thinking about the last time we saw each other, that Sunday afternoon when we went to lunch and he picked up what I thought was the last of his things. It was one of the very few times I ever saw Jeff show some emotion. We held hands, we kissed, we both cried, and as he drove away for the last time we blew kisses at each other. Although sad as can be it was good closure and I'm sorry it didn't stay good, very sorry it turned ugly. Perhaps I'm trying to remember the good and make that my final memory of him. I'm not sure why but I think these memories are a big step as I can feel myself getting better and stronger and also feel like big and exciting changes are coming my way in the near future. Fingers crossed. Current mood:  nostalgic.
I was looking at pictures of Jeff earlier tonight (part of a healing process called flooding) and for the first time thought he was ugly. I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it might but I think it's a big step in my recovery. There's no other way I can explain it. Current mood:  accomplished.
I had lunch with my father today and told him about last Saturday's session with the doctor and how we're now trying to work on why I feel the need to take care of everyone and end up with guys who need taking care of. My dad was actually pleased with that and then agreed that due to circumstances (in other words through no one's fault) I was forced to take on too much responsibility at too young an age. He added that I didn't want to at first and that I fought it, none of which I remember, but that I eventually gave in and took the role and it seems now that I can't stop. He said this gave me some very good traits and qualities but also some bad, such as my inability to let loved ones get close to me. I never realized that but it has to be related and it ties into the doctor wanting me to take care of myself first. The problem is I can't stop as I don't know any other way to be. I can't expect anyone to take care of me because no one ever has. With the X husband I don't know if I created that situation or if it happened because of the way he was, or both. With Jeff, he was self-sufficient and could manage his own life but I still tried to take care of him and make everything better for him. Did either of them do that for me? Certainly not the X, and Jeff did at first when we were in our honeymoon phase. I don't like having guys pay when we go out. I don't like them opening doors for me. All this ties back to these issues from my childhood and I never knew that. Dad said that my extreme independence is not feminine and it might scare guys off. I'm afraid to bring this up with my mother because she might take it the wrong way and think I'm blaming her. That's not the case at all as, like I said, the way I grew up was out of necessity due to a divorce and not done maliciously by my parents. Dr. Viera wants me to keep writing. She also wants me to pen a goodbye letter to Jeff and talk about the good things, and then whatever comes to mind. I haven't done that yet because in a way I feel like I already did via friendly emails back when we were still in contact with each other. It's almost been four months. Damn. I did a bad thing, though, as I did some "bargaining." Stacey in Tampa is a Pampered Chef consultant and I still get her emails and decided to order something. I really don't need it and only sort of want it but reached out to her just because of the connection and I realized that. I also apologized to her for my attitude at the birthday party in October but didn't tell her why I was so aloof toward her. She appreciated my apology. I then told her that if Jeff finds out she's been conversing with me he make give her grief and she replied that he does NOT tell her what to do. Sorry for the long entry. I guess I had a lot to say. Current mood:  optimistic.
Because it can not be said often enough I must tell everyone that Lefty/Rosy, M, absolutely made my day by sending me a Valentine's surprise. How did I get so lucky to have such a good friend? Current mood: grateful.
I'm getting sick of dating already. I met Brian for lunch today and knew immediately that I wasn't interested in him (the fact he showed up wearing shorts and sneakers was part of it) but he was having a grand old time. After lunch I agreed to go to the movies and then we walked around City Walk where he tried to hold my hand, but I pulled it back. The entire time I was thinking about how I wanted the date to be over. This morning I had my third appointment with the psychologist and it went well. We've sort of moved on from my anger and sadness over the break up to trying to determine why I end up with guys who need to be taken care of. I think part of it is due to being the oldest sibling and a latchkey kid so I was responsible for looking after my sister from a fairly early age. One day she got injured badly and I was in trouble for not doing my job, so to speak. I was 10 years old for fuck sake. Dr. Viera thinks that could be one of the reasons I want to take care of everyone around me and she might be on to something. I've always put myself last and I can't do that anymore. I need to be first. She called me a good student for doing all of my homework and also said that I'm going to get a degree in me and I like that. I have a follow up visit in a month. Current mood:  blah.
I'm going to Jon's tonight to watch a movie and I'm wearing my black lacy push up bra (Melanie, be proud of me!) with a form fitting scoop neck shirt. This thing is so uncomfortable but it makes the girls look good and I am hoping for a little action tonight! Current mood:  horny.
It's amazing how with some mental clarity my life is falling into place nicely. As posted earlier I heard from Jon out of the blue and he really, really wants to do something with me. I still think the time for him has passed but I agreed to come over one night this week to watch a movie. In other good news the new softball season started this past Friday night and we won, a 19-17 scorcher. Ha! Actually it was a good win as we trailed in the seventh and final inning so nice comeback by us. And even though I stretched before the game as I always do my quads are killing me today. Oy! Today is absolutely gorgeous, the kind of day where I appreciate living in Florida (and believe me, there aren't too many of those days.) It's about 70 degrees, bright blue sky with no clouds, sunny and a cool breeze blowing. Perfect. I'm calling a new guy tonight, Tim. So far we've gotten along quite well online but the phone call is always the litmus test. The only downside to him is he lives an hour away. I've been talking to another guy, Brian, for about a week and a half and he's called me every day. He was supposed to call this morning so we could make plans today but he never did and I wasn't going to wait around so I did my own thing. Yes, I still think about Jeff but it's more the memories I have of him. I've been doing the homework the doctor gave me and it's helped tremendously. Current mood: good.
Over the past three consecutive days I've found stuff of Jeff's including tonight's discovery of paperwork from Jessica's school and a copy of his condo tax bill. The funny thing is all of the found items have been in very obvious places-- a kitchen cupboard and drawer. I think it goes back to what Dr. Viera said when I told her about all of a sudden looking up and across traffic to see his car. She said there are forces of energy in place for those who have or had a connection and I believe these items were found this week on purpose, for a reason. Had I stumbled across them last week I may have had a melt down but this week no problem as all the paper items went right into the garbage can without a second thought. (I did find a Tupperware type sandwich box of his and I think it's worth keeping.) I'm pretty amazed at my recent progress and how the universe sometimes works. Current mood: spiritual. Remember the date I had a few Friday nights ago with a guy named J and how it was so much fun and I had really high hopes for him, only for him to pretty much give me the brush off? Well, he emailed me last night, an article he thought I'd enjoy. I sent him a pleasant thank you type response and got a response from him tonight where he mentioned getting some new movies and how he immediately thought I'd enjoy watching them, and would I like to come over some time to watch? Maybe. If I have nothing better to do. But on the other he was a lot of fun and we got along quite well, only I don't want to be his fall back person when he doesn't have other plans. I'm not saying that is his intention but it sure felt like it when he called me out of the blue a couple of Saturdays ago and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Current mood:  amused.
Dr. Viera thinks that Jeff has a narcissistic personality and as part of my homework until our next session she asked me to read about that personality type. I found an interesting website on the subject, though it's written by someone who is not a counselor or therapist so I don't know how much stake to put into what she's written. Even so a lot of it makes sense, from Jeff's sense of entitlement (per Barbara, who *does* have a PhD in psychology) to his inability to say I love you to his lack of emotions. GREAT subheader for the article: Never love anything that can't love you back. http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/how Current mood:  nerdy.
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